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Friday, September 7, 2018

The Math of Motherhood

Have I told you lately? I am in a crazy season of motherhood. At our house, we are currently both practicing driving and about to wean the baby. I have two in High School, one in middle school, one at a charter school, on is homeschooled and then there is the baby, who turns two today. There is no way to say this simply or quickly. I try to shorten this for the sake of the person listening to me - lots of kid in lots of different stages. Okay? 

But the reality is that this is crazy for me. A lot of the time it feels normal. This is our normal, right? A lot of the time this even feels beautiful - because it is. When everyone is getting along and my older ones are helping out and my younger ones are being snuggly and cute - it is magic. Then there are other times when I catch a glimpse of our life and I think - whoa, our life is crazy. 

A couple of weeks ago, in a moment of clarity, I realized that I have been really frustrated lately and mostly that is because of this one thing: the math of motherhood.

I want two plus two to equal four. News flash - it doesn't. Most days two plus two equals one today, maybe another one in a couple of weeks. In the moment ugh it feels so unfair.

I want love plus understanding to equal reciprocated love and understanding. I love my kids fiercely. I try to understand them. I give them boundaries because I love them and I want what is best for them. I want them to be their best selves. I want to help them to get out of their own way.

They don't see this as a perk. They don't get it. Because they are kids duh. I have had to release the expectation that my kids are going to understand me. I want one plus one to equal two. I want two plus two to equal four.

In motherhood - that's not the case, like ever. Two plus two equals one today, another one in a couple of weeks and then another one, and another one, and another one, and another one...

The math of motherhood is a long game. It is an investment that yields long, slow returns, but the returns far exceed the deposits.  Two plus two equals one today, one tomorrow, one the next day and the next day... it does not equal four. It equals more than four. Just not today.


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