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Friday, December 30, 2016

brave when you run out of words

I have a vague idea of what I want to say here on this blog, but lately I have felt like I have totally and completely run out of words. Right this minute my boys are reading over my shoulder, complaining about the cold outside and wanting batteries for their walkie-talkies and the perpetual refrain of "I don't know what to do." Even though Christmas was not yet a week ago. Sigh.

Yet here I sit anyway. I handed over the baby to the biggest sister and said - take him outside, I need to write for a bit. Because I may not be at the point where I can blog 500 words a day but I can write a few. I might not be able to spend hours on a book but I can tap out a few words here.

And here is what I am here to say - I feel all out of words. It is the hum that has been at the back of my head, a fear thrumming in the background - I feel like I have lost my words. Where are my words? I do not know. I am all out at the moment. I have totally lost momentum, as I often do. So what am I going to do? What is the brave thing here?

Here is how to choose brave when I feel out of words - remember: I have not run out of words for the rest of my life. They will come back. They always do. It might not be today, it might not be tomorrow. It might not happen when the kids go back to school. It might not happen when I expect it, and the words may not be there when I want them to. It's okay that when I turn inwards to think about all the writing projects that were jostling for attention a month or two (or day or two) ago - they're all gone. It really is okay and they really will come back.

There are two big kids reading to little siblings in the room behind me. I'm trying to keep my thoughts from flying out of the room, getting lost in the noise behind me. The dog comes and licks my hand and I'm trying not to loose. my. mind. But I'm still here. Still writing. Even though I just had to get up to take one of the baby's ball from the dog's mouth. Ugh.

The first brave thing is to believe that the words really will come back. Here is the second brave thing. Keep showing up. Keep writing. Even if it is just this - to say I don't have much of anything to say and I'm struggling with all of this. I'm going to keep writing even though I don't have the energy within me that I had before.

Yesterday I realized something about my life - about the things that make me feel really happy and satisfied. Writing is part of it. Yesterday I wrote a blog post that was nothing particularly remarkable but I was so happy that day. I let go of the results end of the whole writing thing and the desire for comments or blog numbers and just enjoyed the fact that I am writing. I am writing on my blog again and it makes me happy. It makes me feel the most like myself - which I know I have said so many times that you are probably sick of it. But it is the truth.

So here I am. Saying let's keep on being brave. When we run out of words we take a breath and smile and say "it won't be like this forever, the words will come back." and then we sit down and write what we can. Let's not freak out or give up. The words and the projects and all of that, it's waiting down the road a bit. Maybe now is the time to focus on reading, or a time to just journal. But keep writing, don't give up. Hold onto hope. Keep showing up. Choose brave.

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