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Wednesday, September 21, 2016

Brave in my smallness

Yesterday another book came out. It's been all over Instagram. I'm so happy for her, and I can't wait to read her book. I feel different though. I don't think it's jealousy, I think it's just a feeling that one day it will be my turn. I just don't see clearly the path to that moment and I feel a bit angsty in the wait. I feel that the question mark behind if I will ever write a book has vanished. Will I write a book? Will I get published? I will. Yes, I will. When? I don't know. How? Still haven't figured that bit out.

I sent off my  first book proposal last week. I have also sent a few inquiry email and I have received auto-replies saying not to expect a reply. It hurts a little. I get it, but it still hurts. With this last email I have heard nothing back. Is that a good sign? Does that mean my file is in a que of files that will actually be read? I don't know. I just know that the silence is harder to bear than I thought it would be. Every day I loose a little bit of hope of hearing anything about my idea. The nothing feels louder than I imagine any criticism could. I'm trying to push it to the back of my mind. Trying to embrace this as part of the process. But if I'm honest, it's hard to wait. It's a struggle to feel like no one is listening. It's hard to feel small.

It's hard to face my smallness, but it is also good.

Today my little shop Instagram account grew by more followers in a single day than the entire time its been active, and by that I mean like maybe five. Yet as I made dinner tonight I thought about how each one of those new followers made me feel joy. How the smallness of that account makes each little action feel big.

Little things matter so much more when we are little. Little shops, little writers, little comments. Little people.

Last week I had another moment when I was facing my smallness. I just felt like I was screaming to be heard amongst the din, waving frantically to be seen. I knew that's not what God wants for me. That He is not a God of screaming to be heard, that He is a God of the power of the few and the small, multiplied into much. I remember in that moment feeling God say that it is enough to love the people in front of me - quietly and gently. That I don't need to scream at my kids to get their attention. I need to speak to them quietly and love them gently. It is enough to love the people in front of me. To send the text saying "how are you doing today?" and "I'm praying for you." To be a voice that says "I see you." "I love you" "I haven't forgotten you." which is pretty much exactly what God is saying to us every day.

I don't want to forget how much it matters, simply that I am here just waking up my big girls to get ready for the bus, and homeschooling my boys, and washing my husband's coffee cup, and just standing here making spaghetti and meatballs and chocolate chip cookies. This will not be my life forever. Life is always changing. This here is important. Even if it is small.

DSC_6515DSC_6497 These pictures are from a post a wrote for my friend Sarah. You can check out the recipe in this post. If you want to see more pictures of my boys and me baking click here.

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